By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment

Tiger Woods apologized yesterday in front of 2 dozen invited guests. His apology was, as expected more like a Presidential press conference.

His most sincere apology came when he looked directly into the camera and announced how sorry he was  for offending his fans by sleeping with the homely waitress from Perkins. “I lowered my standards and disappointed my fans by sleeping with an average looking woman that did not resemble a hooker, porn star or super model, and for that I am very sorry.” 

Tiger was whisked away by 3 men in white lab coats after he apparently suffered a relapse and is back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?) when he spotted what he thought was a shapely woman moving about behind curtains in the room (it turned out to be a plant). Tiger looked down and exclaimed “It moved.”  One of the three men quickly held up a photo of Rosie O’Donnell while the other two grabbed him by the arms and briskly walked him out of the room and into the back of a white van.

One of the men was overheard saying something about being time for the ‘Heavy Treatment’ and that nonstop viewing of men’s figure skating was in order.

More on this story as details emerge.