By Larry Flesler

-I’ve decided to get back into shape since adding about 70 pounds to my 4′ 6″ frame since retiring. I purchased a thigh master and a 2.5 lb. dumbbell, lookout ladies.

-My old pal Van and I are training for our first marathon. We get up at 7am and get moving at the Boulevard Mall with the other mall- walkers. I normally wear skin tight bike shorts while Van wears his trademark cut-off dungarees, work boots and white v-neck tee shirt. We do a few laps and then it’s off to Perkins for a Deli-Ham and Lotsa- Cheese Omelet.

-The Sabres signing of 6′ 8″ Tyler Myers is a good sign.  I wonder if his shaft is as big as Adam Creighton’s.

-I had my first french pedicure. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it but Van did a wonderful job, he has the hands of a slender lady and the demeanor of a trucker.

-I had an unusual experience while  purchasing a new pair of shoes last week at Sears.  The shoe salesman acted a little odd as he fitted me and actually threw up as he laced up the third pair I tried on. As I think back, my marble bag could have been hanging out of my track shorts.

-I had 3 ShamWow’s sewn into underwear. I can now drink 12 Dirty Martini’s without trekking to the Men’s room.

-I miss Lady Di.

-I lost my virginity at Disney World in 1989. I was with a fellow reporter who was known as a wanton trollop. We were enjoying the Country Bear Jamboree and things got a little randy.

-I like to lift weights in my driveway whenever my neighbor is out walking her dog. She can’t keep her eyes off my sweat glistened pipes.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Abe Vigoda, he was one of the good ones.

Quinn announces other changes

By Lucky Geason
RUSE SPORTS REPORTER

This past week was spent learning about Darcy Regier and Lindy Ruff.

Larry Quinn and his fellow owners of the Buffalo Sabres already know some things about them but found out they don’t know everything. Regier and Ruff have been with the team since 1997. Quinn wanted to know what makes them tick, what keeps them motivated, what gets their juices flowing and do they still have the fire within to once again bring the Sabres to the brink of the playoffs.

-I am a Greatness

“We found out quite a bit about both of them, things we never discovered even after knowing them for 12 years,” said Quinn. “For instance, we never knew that Lindy cuts his own hair, enjoys competitive kite flying and makes his own shoes. Darcy enjoys painting still life images of his feet and has the world’s largest collection of sock garter belts.  I have a new found respect for these two individuals,” he said.

Quinn said that he has confidence in the duo and even offers his help every day whether it’s asked for or not. “Darcy had a problem with the lock on his office door, it was always locked when he was in there.  I had the door knob removed so I can visit him at will.”

When asked about lagging ticket sales Quinn announced that the team will be following the Bills lead and will play at least 2 games in Toronto next year. “We know that there are some fans of professional hockey in the greater Toronto area and we would like to expand our reach by playing at least 2 games there next year.”

He also announced the team will be re-naming the HSBC Arena to ‘Larry Quinn Rink.’

Quinn announced more changes including:
• Ronan Tynan will be joined by Susan Boyle for a series of national anthem duets dubbed ‘Ronan and the Barbarian’.
• The ‘Kiss-Cam’ will be replaced by the ‘Heavy-Petting-and-Groping-Cam.’
• Beer will be sold by the gallon.
• Conehead the beer vendor will be replaced by Skinhead the White Supremacist.
• Every Friday will be Larry Quinn night: fans will receive an autographed picture of Quinn along with a lock of his hair.
• Tuesday’s will be Rene Robert Piñata night.

Quinn also said he would be making all hockey personnel decisions and will continue to fit all players for protective cups.

By Jerry Mulligan

The Buffalo Sabres anounced that the team’s 2008-2009 Greatest Hits DVD will be available beginning May 1st at the HSBC Arena Sabres store as well as at all Golisano Luxury Yacht outlets in the greater Western New York area.

Ruff before tearing off Hecht's arm

The disc captures all of the exciting action that fans witnessed during the team’s 81-game quest toward their lackluster 10th-place finish in the Eastern Conference.

Proceeds from sales of the commemorative DVDs will go to the offshore bank account of team General Manager Larry Quinn.

Here is a sneak preview of some of the 2008-2009 moments captured on the disc that no Buffalo Sabres fan will want to miss:

*Newcomer Craig Rivet is voted team captain in September when he is the only player who attends the annual “Vote For The Sabres Captain” party at Darcy Regier’s home in Ebenezer.

*Larry Quinn announces a change in the long-standing team policy regarding the wives and families of Sabre players: they are still welcome to attend games but they must pay the “Gold” ticket price no matter who the opponent is.

*Down 4-2 going into the 3rd period in an early season road contest against Conference rival Montreal, Lindy Ruff inspires the team to a come-from-behind victory by tearing off Jochen Hecht’s arm in front of 18,000 horrified Canadiens fans.

*Player desperation is evident early on in the season when Adam Mair picks a fight with the wrong guy at McMonkeez nightclub in Buffalo.  Thrilling excerpts from security camera footage show what happens when a shirtless Mair ends up on the wrong end of his opponent’s “Jersey turnpike.”

*In December, a benched Max Afinigenov attempts to impress Lindy Ruff by competing in the annual Bud Bakwell Skate & Shoot Spectacular where he beats out 14 local teenagers and is crowned “Fastest Skater in Riverside.”

*Derek Roy, motivated by Coach Lindy Ruff’s regular reminder to “hit ‘em with your purse, you overpaid pansy,” bench presses 50 lbs. (his personal best) during a live interview with Rob Ray on January 31st.

*When Sabres goalie Ryan Miller is viciously attacked by NY Ranger Scott Gomez behind the Buffalo net, the  Sabres clear the bench to assist Thomas Vanek, who is desperately trying to find his lost contact lens at the other end of the rink.

*Also in February, Tim Connelly scores twice against Carolina in his return to the ice after recovering from head and leg injuries suffered when Dave Andreychuk’s wife threw him down his apartment stairs in December.

*The NHL declares the Sabres forwards the winners of the “National Rifle Association’s Perimeter Shooters of the Month” in March after three of the four Buffalo lines stay as far away from the opposing goalie’s crease as possible.

*Andrew Peters, appearing as a paid endorser for a local clothing company called Born In Buffalo, viciously attacks a fan with his own shoe during a promotional event at HSBC Arena.

*Sabres color commentator Harry Neale, who died from natural causes during a live broadcast of the team’s 4th game of the season, doesn’t miss a beat as his lifeless corpse, propped up beside Rick Jeannerette, continues the tradition of colorless mediocrity in the broadcast booth for the ensuing 77 games televised by MSG.

*Following the team’s final regular season game against Boston, Darcy Regier announces that next year’s ticket prices will include a non-refundable “Dominic Moore” surcharge.  “Someone has to pay his salary and I’ve decided it’s not going to be me, Larry or Mr. Golisano.”