By Frank Brutus

Mayor Brown scrambled today to contain a small but growing firestorm of controversy over his failure to perform a national search for candidates who might lead the Buffalo Police Department.

The Mayor released a copy of a memo that he says he wrote to himself last November regarding the hiring process for the next Police Commissioner.  The Mayor maintained that the memo contains “the things that I am looking for in the person who will be the next leader of our brave men and women in the Buffalo Police Department.”

According to the memo, here are Mayor Brown’s requirements for the job:

*Candidate cannot have been corrupted by higher education. College makes people think they’re smarter than they really are.  Look at Mickey Kearns.
*Candidate should probably be white. The last guy didn’t work out so well.  Try a different color this time.  Are Italians white?  Have one of my assistants check on that.
*Candidate should be at my beck and call. Will someone from outside of Buffalo fit this requirement?  Probably not.  Try to promote from within.
*No one is going to listen to a female Police Commissioner whine and gripe about how we need “new colored police cars.”  Therefore, hire a guy.
*Anonymity is a virtue here.  No prior headlines about politics, loyalties, corruption or graft.  The dumber the better (see first requirement).
*Candidate shouldn’t know anything about the time my son stole my car.  If anyone asks about that in the interview they are finished in this town!
*No Irish. I don’t need Mickey Kearns sticking his fat little fingers into my Police Department.
*Candidate should have trouble counting past 40 (see first requirement).  Because the new Commissioner isn’t going to approve any overtime while he’s working for me.
*Candidate shouldn’t be intelligent enough to even think about a run for Mayor in four years (see first requirement).

By Bob Loblaw

I was able to reach Byron Brown by telephone after repeated calls to his office.  Mayor Byron Brown welcomed the NCAA basketball tournament and said he is sure it will be a success.

Byron Brown, File Photo

“We welcome the basketball teams that will be playing basketball in our fair town today and another day in the near future in the great city of Buffalo.” said the Mayor.  When asked about his picks for the tournament he said “I think that the City of Buffalo will be proud if the team that has the most support from our City ends up scoring more points than the opposing team.”

When I asked him to pick a winner for the weekend, the Mayor said “I hope that the folks of Buffalo enjoy the competition from the teams playing and I hope that one of them is victorious.”

I thought about asking him more questions but decided I would get a more succinct answer from my pet ferret.

By Frank Brutus

“We’ve got pellet guns, handguns, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons.  Everything a gun enthusiast could possibly want we will be selling at prices that will fit nicely into budgets of all shapes and sizes.”

Mayor Brown: Offering Bang for Bucks.

Those were the words of Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, who stood on the steps of City Hall yesterday to announce the city’s first ever “Gun Sell Back” program.  The Mayor described the “Sell Back” as the “next logical step” in the evolution of his administration’s progressive revenue-producing policies that will “simultaneously make our coffers fuller and our streets safer.”

The Mayor, who initiated a weapons “Buy Back” program for each of the last four years, said “the time is right to give something back to the gun enthusiasts who have so generously supported the ‘Buy Back’ program for the past few years.  Since last January 20th, my administration has fielded numerous inquiries about selling guns to white Buffalonians who populate the city’s north and south sides.  I am proud to say that as of today we will happily comply with their request to purchase a weapon from the City of Buffalo.”

The Mayor noted that the “Gun Sell Back” will not be limited to the city’s white gun enthusiasts.  “We’re anticipating that people from every race, creed, religion and income level will purchase guns at this event,” said Brown, who predicts that the “Gun Sell Back” will ultimately reduce crime in the city.  “If criminals plan to perpetrate a crime after the “Gun Sell Back,” they’ll have no way of knowing if the citizen they plan to mug just bought a gun from my “Sell Back” event.  Why would they risk their own lives trying to rob a law-abiding and freshly-armed citizen?”

Jermaine Sproule, a small-time criminal who makes a living “recycling” abandoned car stereos and custom auto parts, said he plans to sleep outside City Hall in his “borrowed” car to ensure he has a good place in line when the doors are opened on Saturday morning for the Gun Sell Back.  “I called ahead to see what the deal is and the lady told me to bring cash or a money order and my library card for identification.’  I’m there, yo.”

By Frank Brutus

In apparent violation of the City Charter and perhaps also the Code of Ethics, a City Hall department head has e-mailed her employees, expressing her expectation that they will buy hundreds of dollars worth of Tupperware from Mayor Byron W. Brown.

Mayor announces discounts on baking sheets.

Tanya Perrin-Johnson, Commissioner of Buffalo Community Pyramid Schemes, has sent her staff a series of e-mails over the last month, informing them of opportunities to purchase Tupperware from Brown in language that appears to leave little doubt about what she expects.

“You each need to buy at least 16 measuring bowls and a cherry pitter,” Perrin-Johnson wrote in a June 2, 2009 e-mail sent to 200 employees.  “It’s time you people stepped up to the plate in honor of the nepotism and cronyism that got you your jobs in the first place.”

And the Tupperware purchases are not just at a time of their choosing. Perrin-Johnson specified that the Mayor would be hosting mandatory Tupperware parties in the lobby of City Hall during all employee lunch hours.  Perrin-Johnson said in her e-mail that “everyone is expected to be at the Tupperware party and better be acting excited about the Mayor’s sales demonstration.”

Perrin-Johnson concluded her e-mail by saying: “Due to everyone on this list wanting to keep their job beyond next week, it is important that we all buy Tupperware from Mayor Byron W. Brown. Also, recruit friends and family to assist because that is how the people at the top of the pyramid make all of the money.”

Mayoral challenger Mickey Kearns called Brown’s attempt to force Tupperware on hard-working city employees “shameless.”

He said that he would be filing a complaint with the NYS Board of Ethics as soon as he clears his car trunk of all the Amway products that he sells during Common Council meetings.

Mayor to replace Lukasiewicz with “Jay Walker Abatement Program”

By Wad Rotson

Mayor Byron Brown released a statement to the media yesterday saying that he has accepted the resignation of Corporation Council Alisa Lukasiewicz effective immediately.  The Mayor said that the departure of Lukasiewicz will not affect the day to day workings of Buffalo’s government “because our City no longer has any Corporations that need anyone’s counsel.”

"No regrets."

Lukasiewicz said that she is voluntarily leaving the Mayor’s team on good terms and that “the time is right for me to take advantage of new opportunities.”   Her only regret is that she “stayed on the sinking ship that is this Administration for as long as I did.  I hate everyone here.”   Aides to Lukasiewicz said that her working relationship with the Mayor quickly deteriorated after he pressured her to indict a snow storm that hit the city last January.

In a related cost-saving announcement, Brown said that he will use the $100,000 salary assigned to Lukasiewicz’s vacated position to fund a revolutionary “Jay Walker Abatement Program” that the Mayor claims “will make the city of Buffalo safer and at the same time will penalize jay walking pedestrians who needlessly risk their own lives and the lives of others by recklessly hurling themselves into busy streets at non-designated crossing areas.”

According to Brown, the fines generated by the Jay Walker Abatement Program will be used to build a Mayoral Command Fortress on Buffalo’s East Side that Deputy Mayor Steve Casey described as being “impenetrable on all sides.”

“The primary goal of my administration is to protect at all costs the safety of my visionary leadership, which is critical at this important time in the history of the City of Buffalo,” said Brown.  Added Casey, “The fortress will be impervious even to the Commercial Slip-generated stench that blankets the East Side after heavy rains.”

Mickey Kearns, the South District Councilman who will challenge Brown in the Mayoral primary this September, was sad to hear about the departure of Lukasiewicz.  “She was really, really, really smart,” said Kearns.  “Her ability to read complicated words and phrases was unmatched at City Hall.  She wrote stuff down.  She used words when she talked at meetings.  Alisa was the real deal.”

Kearns said that Brown’s plan to replace her with a revenue-producing jay-walking fine program is “stupid” and that even if the Mayor actually needed an impenetrable Command Fortress he should build it on “whatever side is the opposite of Buffalo’s East Side.”

By Wad Rotson

Move over, St. Louis.  There’s a new competitor in the category of “Destination American Cities That Can Boast They Have An Arch” after Mayor Byron Brown unveiled the brand new “Buffalo Arch” yesterday at a dedication ceremony attended by dozens of terrified politicians and citizens.

The Buffalo Arch, as seen from Canada

“What better way to welcome the masses to Buffalo, NY than by way of this architecturally stunning waterfront arch?” asked the smiling Mayor, standing with a group of nervous aides at the top of what was formerly known as the Skyway.

While the Mayor loudly read his prepared remarks, cars and trucks merging from the I-190 slammed on their brakes to avoid driving into the group of officials and jittery on-lookers who had assembled for the dedication of the Arch.

“What the hell is going on here?” asked Brian McCann, a truck driver from Ontario.  “Was there an accident?”  State troopers assisting with traffic control informed McCann that this was not an accident but a dedication of the brand-new Buffalo Arch and reminded McCann to drive over the top of the Arch with extreme caution.

McCann replied “[expletive deleted] you, this is a [expletive deleted] highway, not an Arch!”

Rising from the debris of Memorial Auditorium on the north side and the currently-under-construction lanes of Route 5 on the south, the peak of The Buffalo Arch towers above the Gold Medal Flour Mill and HSBC Arena, providing Buffalonians with a glimpse of what the Mayor refers to as “the future of our beloved City.”

“Car rides into Lackawanna and beyond will take on new meaning for our children,” said Mayor Brown.  “They will brag to their cousins who have moved West ‘But can you drive over the Arch in St. Louis?  Because you can drive over the Arch in Buffalo!’”

The Mayor described the Buffalo Arch as a gateway to “prosperity, Lackawanna and tax-free cigarettes from the Rez.”  He noted that the dedication of the Buffalo Arch is just the beginning of his plan to “reinvent and rededicate” each of the significant features of the City of Buffalo, a plan he pledges will be successful only if voters return him to office four more times.

As a wheel-locked, horn-blaring tractor trailer slid violently into what appeared to be a stalled Chevrolet Cracker, the jubilant Mayor concluded his remarks quickly with a hint that even grander plans are afoot.

“Today’s dedication of the new Buffalo Arch is just the first tiny step toward progress,” said Brown.  “I have a dream that one day the area currently known as Forest Lawn Cemetery will instead be famous as North America’s premier shopping destination for finely crafted marble, wrought iron and affordable portable mausoleums.”

Mayor blasts critics, clarifies plan.

By Hardy Astrom

After enduring a week of disapproval regarding what has been described as a “fluffy” anti-poverty plan, Byron Brown held a press conference on the steps of City Hall to address his critics. He brought with him a cast of a dozen unemployed or homeless city residents to help explain his plan. The effect, for most in attendance, was confusing.

His life is about to get worse.

“To say my anti-Poverty plan is without substance is political back stabbing and nothing less,” Brown said. “There is an apparent need to spell things out more clearly and, with the help of these people, I will fill any remaining seats on the bandwagon of success.”

‘These people’ referred to the uncomfortable group standing behind Brown.  The reason for their uneasiness became clear as, one by one, Brown called them forward to illustrate his plan.

“I will refer you to page 67 in the Buffalo Poverty Reduction Blueprint,” said the Mayor.  As those in attendance fingered through a plan that included pictures of Red Skelton’s infamous Tramp character as well as Charlie Chaplin, Brown read from his copy.

“Poor people are not inherently funny but they are often quite entertaining!  We need to embrace what we have in Western New York,” Brown read. “And we should celebrate the successes—as well as the profound failures.”  The crowd of over 100 curious citizens and reporters looked on in amazement as Brown put on a top hat, pointed a cane to the group of nervous underprivileged behind him, and commanded, “Let the show begin!”

At which point the seemingly unrehearsed group began to attempt individual feats of confusing behavior.  An elderly gentleman repeatedly removed his dental plates and bit his own nose, a woman with severely swollen ankles began either a tap dance or a very painful soft shoe, and a very thin woman balancing a plate on her nose staggered and crashed to the cement before being helped, bleeding from the chin, to her feet to try again.

Brown smiled and encouraged the crowd, clapping maniacally, while people looked on in shock, as the unfortunate performers illustrated why many citizens are generally afraid of them.

“Never mind the smell!” yelled Brown.  “You are witness to the vehicle that will eradicate poverty in Buffalo (pause for effect) …forever!”  And then, as if to eradicate any hope that might still be lingering in the crowd of onlookers, an amputee in a wheelchair attempting to juggle, rolled violently down the steps of City Hall.

He lay awkwardly with his remaining leg twisted over his shoulder, moaning in pain.

Brown continued on, unphased.  “To lift our country out of the Great Depression, Franklin Roosevelt created jobs and rebuilt America to what it once was.  He built brick roads to recovery, and I bring you the resurgence of the Street Performer!”

A gentleman who would not identify himself walked off the steps, disgusted with the antics of the Mayor.  “I’ve been a pipe fitter for 22 years,” he said.  “I’ll clean bathrooms before I dance for him.”

Brown ended the show by singing a discomfiting rendition of R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.”

Social Service representatives, who arrived as ambulance sirens blared, began helping the ‘performers’ off Brown’s stage. They admonished the Mayor for exploiting the needy.  “He needs to do his job,” said Jon Bendert from the City Mission.  “He’s completely out of touch”.

Brown refused to take questions after the event.

‘Yes’ To Slaughterhouses, ‘No’ to Urban Farming, ‘Probably’ to Strip Mining.

By Hardy Astrom and Frank Brutus

Mayor: "Dig this."

Answering questions from his Tampa Bay ‘Situation Room,’ Brown defended recent decisions that have left many of the city’s citizens dumbfounded.

“It’s really a matter of zoning laws,” he said. “Citizens are not free to engage in the seeding of Buffalo soil. You can cultivate, you can harvest, you just can’t seed. You could, however, slit the throat of a cow, for meat processing or for sport.” Brown referenced the zoning law, which he found in City Hall Archives.

“A gentleman by the name of Griffin put it on the books in the 1980’s,” Brown chuckled. The law apparently was put into place to discourage citizens who grew rutabaga, a vegetable the late Jimmy Griffin despised. The Ruse investigated the legitimacy of the claim, and found a quote from Griffin at the signing of the zoning law.

“They smell like the south end of a north bound goat.” Griffin said. “They won’t be growing in my town.” The same day, Griffin also signed a law limiting artworks commissioned by the City to shapes that, “don’t resemble a honeymoon do-jigger.”

“Strange but true,” said Brown. “So my hands are tied in this regard, but like my friend Larry Quinn over at HSBC taught me, you don’t go changing things just because you’re mired in mediocrity. You work within the system, and you hope for something magical to happen.”

And according to Brown, that magic might be right under our feet.

“We hope to begin excavating vacant lots throughout the city, to harvest the resources we have been ignoring for centuries.” Brown said the City’s strip mining potential was brought to his attention by Councilman Brian Davis, who recently returned from a Back to Work seminar in Zimbabwe.

“Mr. Davis saw thousands of citizens who had previously been unemployed, working diligently under the supervision of diamond surveyors.” the Mayor said. “Young and old, many of them handicapped and amputees, all of them, working.”

Brown said that while Buffalo can’t boast gems like diamonds, there are other possibilities.

“There’s definitely rock. At least I hit many when I garden.” Brown added that gypsum was once mined in the area, and that he wouldn’t mind a surprise or two.

“You won’t catch me complaining if we happen across a little bling or gypsum.”

Davis concurred. “I’d give my right hand for a little of what they were digging up in Africa. That’s a lucky group of worker bees.”

By Hardy Astrom

Tens of thousands of Americans protested big government and taxes on the most significant tax day of the year, April 15th. The local ‘Tea Party’ was held in Niagara Square, and included speeches by local activists who say that government spending has gotten out of hand. Medicaid and social services were at the top of the list of agencies that tea party attendees say should be at the bottom of the list when it comes to taxpayer responsibility.

Artist's rendering of Tax Protesters

“Give me your tired, your crippled, your feeble minded,” shouted organizer Allen Coniglio. “Give me your old and infirm and give me your lazy. Then you can give me a boat, some kerosene and a long wick!  There are no free rides in New York State!”

Several people dressed in revolutionary garb and many carried signs that called for a major reform in how state and federal governments spend tax money.

Most protesters targeted those who are on some type of public assistance. A sign held by 7-year-old Eric Dinter read “Humanely Kill My Grandmother Please,” while Marcus Costello proudly carried a homemade billboard that warned handicapped recipients of public aid: “If You Can’t Walk, You’d Better Run!”

Jim Lennon, of Lovejoy, carried a hand scrawled sign that read “Qualified For No-Show Job.”

“This isn’t so much a protest as it is an application,” Lennon explained.  “I want me a piece of the pie and I don’t want to have to get a real job to get it.”  Lennon said his rationale is simple:  “Politicians have shown me the way.  They do it all the time.”

The event took a turn for the strange when Councilman Brian Davis arrived in a limousine and began throwing stones at an effigy of Byron Brown he placed in front of the crowd.

“Are you sick and tired of getting screwed by the man?” Davis asked, adding “Down with big government!”  The Ellicott District Common Councilman then started lobbing stones at the effigy, which more closely resembled a large, wrinkled, sausage in a suit, tie, and glasses.

Davis’ stones landed harmlessly at the feet of a baffled couple with their young daughter.

Davis digs up rocks prior to protest.

Davis then set up a card table and hung a sign which read ‘Stones: 25 cents.’ “Cast a stone and cast your vote!” he called out to an increasingly confused crowd. As speeches were made and attention was drawn to the podium, Davis began passing out flyers advertising Rent-To-Own picket signs and magic markers.

Demonstrators were aware that the event isn’t likely to bring about any immediate change, and some were disillusioned following the event. “I was thinking we’d be flipping over police cars,” said a disappointed Marc Constantino, “but they handed me a tea bag and started talking politics. This is gay.”

As the event began to break up, Mayor Brown arrived in an SUV, and was engaged by Davis when a rock sailed past his head and hit an aide. “Get him!” shouted Davis. “Twenty-five cents a pop! Get him!”

A confused Brown, seeing his effigy, asked, “Is that my suit?”  As Davis’ stones missed again and again, the Mayor called security to have him removed.

Organizers said they have no plans for another event like this one.

Bass Pro officials indirectly released a statement to the city of Buffalo recently, stating that they would “Totally call.”  They added that they have “just been super busy lately.”  The statement was passed along through a mutual friend who works with the wife of Mayor Brown’s cousin.

Buffalo City representatives are “pretty excited” about the recent contact.

“Well I feel reassured that they called,” said Mayor Byron Brown.  “This was completely initiated by them.  I had left them, like, 50 messages in September, but this time they were the ones who reached out.”

On Friday, Brown bumped into Bass Pro management at SoHo on Chippewa.  That chance meeting didn’t include any verbal contact, but Brown feels it directly led to the indirect contact of the statement released yesterday.

Of the nightclub sighting, Brown said, “It was kind of awkward.  Last spring we were really spending a lot of time together, and I felt that we were ready to take the next step.”

There had been talk at City Hall lately that Bass Pro had been put off by recent efforts to secure a meaningful commitment from the outdoor commercial giant.  It was feared that the demolition of Memorial Auditorium and architect renditions mapping out the future may have been rushing things.  Reports from Bass Pro headquarters even alluded to the fact that the company may be looking at other cities with nice assets. A high ranking city official spoke on the condition of anonymity about a weekend over the summer in which Brown “was pretty forward.  He really put it out there for those guys.”

Brown said, “We spent a few nights together at the Hyatt.  I wanted to show them a good time, let them know that we’re willing to do what a lot of cities wouldn’t even consider doing.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with exposing our best qualities.”

Of criticism that Buffalo may gain a reputation for desperately trying to please new business, Brown summed up the closed door meetings at the downtown hotel simply:  “I wanted to show them how they could tap our assets.  It wasn’t like they were taking advantage of the situation.”

Brown said that there has been no further contact and that, “Bass Pro can look all they want, but they’ll never find a lady as fine as the Queen City.”