By Larry Flesler

I’m in New York visiting my nephew and still have a press pass for Madison Square Garden so I’m doing a live report for that bastard of a boss, Murray Lite.

1st period just underway.  Boy the beer here is expensive, I have had only 3 and I’m already down $28.50.  I just polished off a few cheese dogs to help line my stomach.  Looks like Ryan Miller is in goal for Buffalo and I think it’s John Davidson for the Rangers.  Midway through the period and I need to find the john: the cheese dogs are screaming to make their escape and the other reporters in the room are not happy.  Raffi Torres just turned the puck over for the third time on 1 shift.  Nice work, Darcy. Period over, no score in the game and I need a bag of Tums.

2nd period started about 16 minutes ago.  I spent some time in the Men’s room getting myself back together and stopped by the beer vendor but I made it back quicker than I thought.  Still no score and the game is rather boring, I’d be sleeping if it weren’t for the 7 beers I’ve had so far.  Best player on the ice so far for Buffalo is Adam Mair.  Torres just turned the puck over again.  Can we get our draft pick back?  2nd period almost done, I’m going to try to make it to the Men’s room early, I’m crowning.

3rd period underway and I’m just getting my second wind.  I think I’ll order an open-faced prime rib sandwich.  No score and I’m hoping for an act of God to end this game, it’s boring the hell out of me.  I ran into Jason Pominville before the game and I think he has a pro-ceeding hairline.  The guy gives me the willies.  Hey guess what?  The Sabres just scored, it’s now 1-0, Zowie!  That prime rib was great, washed it down with a nice tall glass of Glenlivet.  I’m starting to throw pencils at the crowd to keep myself amused, ahh damn I just threw my car keys over the wall.  Sabres are now tied with the Rangers, Miller handles the puck like I handle my liquor.  I think I can handle it, but end up throwing up all over myself.  End of regulation, I’m getting drowsy.  I need a nap.

My alarm just went off.  Oh, it’s the horn.  Someone just scored a goal.  I’m friggin’ bombed.  Who’s wearing the home white’s tonight?  Sabres escape with at least a point, I’ll follow up with more stuff later.

Anyone see my belt?

Larry Flesler

• I think the Sabres should keep Lindy but remove Larry Quinn, not because of his managerial skills but due to his sometimes odd behavior. He once insisted on applying some lotion to my sunburned scalp while I interviewed him in the mid 90’s. He then asked if I was chaffed anywhere else and volunteered to check me over in private.

• There is nothing better than sitting home on Easter Sunday watching the Masters. I’ll have a spiral ham in front of me along with a dirty Martini and a case of Genesee Cream Ale.

• I have 2 tattoos. One of Phil Mickelson on my upper thigh, the other of Gene Wilder on my lower back.

• I miss throwing JARTS. I used to sharpen them on the sidewalk and throw them overhand at my brothers.

• I like to pass the time playing tennis with my old pal Van. He’s a very competitive sort. I never can score against him but recently won a point when his neighbor’s kitten wandered onto the court and he tripped over it. He grabbed ‘Mittens’ by the scruff of the neck and drop kicked him into the chain link fence while yelling “Game, Set, and Match!”

• I’m glad NY State is looking at legalizing gay marriage. I had a tryst in the mid 70’s with PGA pro Calvin Peete. We kept it private as society would not accept seeing us together in public and I’m sure our families would have objected had they known. Peete was a great driver of the ball and had a deft touch around the green. I had similar skills in the sack.

• I’m a big fan of shopping at Aldi. They have great prices and I don’t have to get all dolled up before I go. I leave my teeth at home, skip the deodorant, don’t shower and wear my leopard print Zubaz that I haven’t washed since the Bills’ last Super Bowl appearance.

• I wish Terrell Owens well. He has an open invitation to join me in my new Jacuzzi Tub.

• I lost my only belt.