Prince of Darkness, Assemblyman Make Strange Bedfellows

By Frank Brutus

New York State Assemblyman Sam Hoyt, who decisively won re-election last year by successfully modeling himself after former President Bill Clinton, announced yesterday at a City Hall press conference that he has made a deal with the Devil to undermine the Mayoral campaign of candidate Michael “Mickey” Kearns.

Hoyt: "It's my other hand that hurts."

“Last year when I made my victory speech, I foolishly referred to Satan as being as incompetent as he is corrupt,” said Hoyt, whose eyebrows appeared singed and discolored. “But if I have learned only one thing in politics it is this: if you are going to get burned, it may as well be by the hottest flame in Hell.”

Hoyt explained that the timing of Kearns’ mayoral run is “about sixteen years too early” and that Buffalo would be ill-served by having “too many white Mayoral candidates in the crowded Democratic kitchen where Byron Brown has recently cooked up so many strange tasting meals.”

At the end of the press conference, Hoyt held out a heavily bandaged arm to show any interested female interns in the room “exactly what happens” when you try to seal a deal with the Devil “the old fashioned way, by shaking hands.”

“I think I’ll just stick to the traditional contract-signing next time,” joked Hoyt.

Kearns, who will face the incumbent Mayor Brown in September’s mayoral primary, sounded grim after Hoyt’s announcement.

“It’s going to be tough to compete with Satan,” acknowledged the South District Common Councilman. “Too many people in this city owe him favors. And my missed confessions lately have probably undermined my Sunday prayers asking for fire, brimstone and lake effect snow to rain down on the corrupt members of the Brown Administration.”

Kearns said that despite his “really, really sad and confused thoughts,” he hopes Hoyt will support him after he is swept into office as Buffalo’s next Mayor.

Satan, a key member of the Brown Administration and one of the Mayor’s closest advisors, was busy approving City-backed loan requests for construction of After Sunset, a drive-in movie theater to be built at the intersection of Delaware and West Delevan.

He had no comment.