By Wad Rotson

Move over, St. Louis.  There’s a new competitor in the category of “Destination American Cities That Can Boast They Have An Arch” after Mayor Byron Brown unveiled the brand new “Buffalo Arch” yesterday at a dedication ceremony attended by dozens of terrified politicians and citizens.

The Buffalo Arch, as seen from Canada

“What better way to welcome the masses to Buffalo, NY than by way of this architecturally stunning waterfront arch?” asked the smiling Mayor, standing with a group of nervous aides at the top of what was formerly known as the Skyway.

While the Mayor loudly read his prepared remarks, cars and trucks merging from the I-190 slammed on their brakes to avoid driving into the group of officials and jittery on-lookers who had assembled for the dedication of the Arch.

“What the hell is going on here?” asked Brian McCann, a truck driver from Ontario.  “Was there an accident?”  State troopers assisting with traffic control informed McCann that this was not an accident but a dedication of the brand-new Buffalo Arch and reminded McCann to drive over the top of the Arch with extreme caution.

McCann replied “[expletive deleted] you, this is a [expletive deleted] highway, not an Arch!”

Rising from the debris of Memorial Auditorium on the north side and the currently-under-construction lanes of Route 5 on the south, the peak of The Buffalo Arch towers above the Gold Medal Flour Mill and HSBC Arena, providing Buffalonians with a glimpse of what the Mayor refers to as “the future of our beloved City.”

“Car rides into Lackawanna and beyond will take on new meaning for our children,” said Mayor Brown.  “They will brag to their cousins who have moved West ‘But can you drive over the Arch in St. Louis?  Because you can drive over the Arch in Buffalo!’”

The Mayor described the Buffalo Arch as a gateway to “prosperity, Lackawanna and tax-free cigarettes from the Rez.”  He noted that the dedication of the Buffalo Arch is just the beginning of his plan to “reinvent and rededicate” each of the significant features of the City of Buffalo, a plan he pledges will be successful only if voters return him to office four more times.

As a wheel-locked, horn-blaring tractor trailer slid violently into what appeared to be a stalled Chevrolet Cracker, the jubilant Mayor concluded his remarks quickly with a hint that even grander plans are afoot.

“Today’s dedication of the new Buffalo Arch is just the first tiny step toward progress,” said Brown.  “I have a dream that one day the area currently known as Forest Lawn Cemetery will instead be famous as North America’s premier shopping destination for finely crafted marble, wrought iron and affordable portable mausoleums.”