By Larry Flesler

-The Bills Bye week couldn’t have come at a better time. I forgot they were off when I started to get my game day supplies together and realized I only had a half bottle of Dewar’s left.  Whew, that was a close one.

-My daughter is getting married and has offered to pay for dancing lessons for me and the Wife.  She also is sending me to an etiquette and hygiene class.

-Judge Judy is a looker and gets me randy whenever I watch her.  My Wife has to fend off my advances for hours after the show.

-I had a chance to be at the Extreme Makeover announcement Saturday morning.  Van and I were in the area after a night of boozing at the Left Bank.  We met there at 4:30 pm for the early bird special and stayed until they ran out of Dewar’s and Black Velvet.  Not real sure what happened after that but we were both passed out between a few houses on Massachusetts Ave. when we awoke to that skinny fella with the pointy hair yelling ‘Good Morning Powell Family!’  It was a strange scene: Van was wearing a top hat and black teddy and I had on just my underwear and square-toed cowboy boots when we stumbled out in front of the house while trying to gain our composure.  We then heard someone scream CUT and were driven home in the back of a squad car.

-Van and I just started an adult swim class.  We were getting tired of the same old dames at our weekly mall walking (or as Van calls it, “Mall Stalking”) so we joined a swim/exercise class.  Van insisted on shaving every hair on his body before the first class so he would be more agile in the pool.  He sported a high-rise speedo for our first class and was a hit with the crowd.

-My wife stopped buying Old Spice deodorant for me.  She says I smell worse with it on than just my regular odor.  She’s probably trying to get a better whiff of my pheromones.

-I hate leaves.

-I have been eating my weight in Taquito’s lately.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Tom Bosley from Happy Days.  He was one of the good ones.

-I can’t wait for that first snowfall.  My wife makes me a cup of hot cocoa if I shovel our 300′ long driveway to her liking every year.

-Godspeed Mr. C.

By Larry Flesler

I was glad to see my friends Mike Schlopp and Wadi Sawabini join Van, Marie Rice and myself at the cottage.

We had a great couple days together. Mike brought his wife and Wadi brought his partner Garth. I thought it was his partner in business but they were holding hands, french kissing and groping each other during our game of Bridge so it must be something more than that.

Mike’s wife Carolyn is a tennis player and very competitive. One morning Van and I were on our daily newspaper run on my bicycle built for 2 when suddenly Carolyn darted up from behind us like a bat out of hell. She was on roller blades and whizzed up to us screaming, “Outta my way you old bastards, last one to the store is a rotten egg.”

We could not let her beat us.  Van peddled like he was trying to get to the bar for last call, I had to keep up as the bike shares the same gear.  But as hard as we tried, we could not shake Carolyn, she was right next to us. Van then grabbed my hair pulled my head back and yelled “Pedal faster, fatty!”

I got my second wind and we started to breakaway from her.

We let our guard down for a second and coasted when suddenly she was right on us again.  Van watched as she grabbed a metal shank from her sports bra and shoved it into the spokes of our back wheel.  “Take that, you f-ers” she said as we flew head over heels from the bike to the concrete below. Van’s face hit the handle bars (sending his dentures flying) and the left side of my face was scratched, bleeding and swollen from the fall. I also had a sharp pain on my left buttock, which turned out it was Van’s teeth.

He said I could leave them where they were and he would try to get them back in without using his hands.

We finally gathered ourselves, wrestled with the mangled bike and walked back to the cottage. Wadi was outside walking with Garth when he saw us approaching.  Garth grabbed the garden hose and sprayed us down while Wadi ran into the cottage and came out with some band aids, scissors, gauze pads and baby oil. He cut off our clothes even though they weren’t that damaged and began tending to us. He applied the gauze and then gave us a baby oil massage. Van said his inseam was really sore and Wadi went to town. Not sure why but Garth ran to his car, retrieved his video camera and started taping. We must have looked like quite the site, both lying on beach chairs getting oiled up by Wadi Sawabini.

When I told Van he could get the paper by himself tomorrow, he just moaned and asked if I had a cigarette.

By Larry Flesler

The 4th of July traditionally starts the Summer for me and thus I am taking a week off from my get fit routine and heading to my cottage. I’ll try to get in a little exercise but can make no promises regarding my diet (on the way here, I bought 3 pounds of Canadian bacon, a case of Coffee Crisp and a 12 cases of Labatt Ice).

I like to get an early start and head up to my cottage at Waverly Beach in Canada. Stu and Marie arrived last night and we unpacked while sharing a pitcher of Southern Comfort Manhattans. We laughed and reminisced about vacations past and were even able to get in a little slap and tickle.

Stu said he was so busy at work that he missed his bikini wax appointment and asked if I would be able to help. I jumped at the chance and Marie even offered to hold him down and stroke his forehead as I went to town with the hot wax and shaver.  Stu has a low threshold for pain so Marie stuck a red ball in his mouth to keep the screaming down. I did an adequate job but he still might look like he’s wearing a sweater-thong under his speedos.

At the cottage, Stu and I share a twin bed while Marie sleeps on the couch (although last night Marie joined us for a devil’s triangle after polishing off the remaining Southern Comfort).

We had a little interruption when my 92-year-old neighbor knocked on the door to welcome me back. I invited her in but she declined. It could have been the way I was dressed: my 4-inch stiletto heels, fishnet stockings and leather chaps may have surprised her.

Sweet lady, though.  I had a summer fling with her last year at the end of my stay.  It started when we were gardening and I tripped over a patio paver and toppled onto her. As I helped her up her sundress had fallen to her waist. She was topless and her accordion like breasts hit me in the leg.  I was instantly smitten. We rolled around in the herb garden for quite some time. I lost two things in the garden that night: my watch and my dignity.

I will try to share more details about my vacation over the next week as more guests come and go.