By Wad Rotson

Governor David Paterson sent an urgent letter to President Obama Wednesday asking for an immediate response from Washington to “neutralize a secret nuclear weapons program being operated by the Seneca Nation of Indians in upstate New York.”

Smokin' Gun?

“I have not seen the evidence personally,” wrote the NY Governor, “But I am told it is quite damning.”

In the letter, Paterson asks Obama to “immediately” send armed National Guard troops onto Seneca lands to confiscate the “building blocks” of the Native American’s nuclear arsenal, which Paterson describes as “highly enriched uranium hidden inside hundreds of thousands of cartons of untaxed Indian cigarettes.”

“By confiscating these cartons of cigarettes from the Seneca Nation, you will be saving the entire Northeast from becoming a desolate radioactive wasteland,” wrote Paterson, who also asked President Obama “to remind the Indians that, as Governor, I will not turn a blind eye toward their actions that keep New York from enjoying more than $1 billion dollars annually in uncollected tobacco sales tax revenue.  ”

Earlier this week, Paterson sent a separate letter to Washington urging Congressional support of his authority to collect taxes from any Native American tribes who sell tobacco products to non-Indian consumers in the state.

The Seneca Nation has never before been accused of pursuing nuclear weaponry or even of wanting power generated by nuclear reactors and Paterson’s letter took tribal elders by surprise.

“We’re reviewing the letter right now,” said Gene Elm.  “Would anyone like to buy some tax-free cigarettes?”