By Wad Rotson

I went to my first Ku Klux Klan meeting last week and let me tell you something: I’ve never been so lonely in a crowd before.

Seeing only one other African-American (he was holding the door for the 100 people gathered in the Wheatfield Community Center), I have to admit I felt like … well … like a black guy at a Tea Party rally.

The turnout reminded me why the Klan movement seems to attract so few African-Americans. When you get past the obvious answer — the Klan advocates the complete and total oppression of all African Americans — there’s still an undeniable fact: Blacks complain about life’s inequities just as loudly as any member of the Klan.

But when it comes to Klan rallies, it turns out that blacks are skipping out on the parties thrown by this hate group.  In droves.

Local organizer Gus Rompson says the almost 100% white turnouts are not entirely reflective. He claims there are “dozens” of blacks locally that have promised to “pay me a visit” if he doesn’t stop showing up on their front lawns with flaming pieces of lumber.  “They might be wondering about how to become official members,” says Rompson.  “Or they might just want some of our political literature.  I don’t know.”

“I do want to see more minorities pay the fee to join our group,” Rompson said, claiming that the Klan has modified its exclusive membership requirements in order to “increase the balance in our bank account.”  But Rompson cautioned that although the Klan will happily take their money, minorities “might not necessarily feel welcome” at the actual rallies.  “But they can all use their membership card for 20% off golf lessons at Transit Valley Country Club.  That alone would more than pay for the membership fee,” said Rompson.

Rompson lamented that the days of the powerful, wealthy white Klan members in Western New York are over.  “Paladino’s the only guy left with money and he’s obviously too busy reading his e-mails to play an active role in our group.  So we’ve had to lower the bar, so to speak, to build up our financial base.”

But if the movement is serious about attracting blacks, it’s also going to have to check its own rhetoric.

While the tenor of the Wheatfield meeting was civil — or as civil as you can be while talking about burning crosses, getting rid of “those people” and transforming welfare into a “whites only club” — some of the Klan’s buzz words (like “returning to the roots of the real America” by “repealing child labor laws” and “sending all non-whites to forced labor camps”) are going to cause this party to fizzle like a wet firecracker on the Fourth of July.

It’s pretty safe to say that from now on, the only party I’ll be reporting on is the one I attend every Friday night at Swizzle’s on Genesee Street (where you don’t need a funny hat to get through the door).

Harbor Up In Flames; Bass Pro Official ‘Concerned’

By Wad Rotson

Rioters at Tea Party protest

Over 300 Western New York taxpayers gathered yesterday at the Buffalo Harbor to protest what many describe as failed government.  Mimicking the Boston Tea Party of 1773, protesters began hurling objects supported by tax money into the water, creating a toxic and flammable mixture.  Cigarettes, gasoline, and people on welfare were thrown into the harbor, which was soon ignited by a person in a wheelchair who had been lit on fire.

“No More Handouts!” the crowd screamed as it rolled a paraplegic close to edge of the harbor.  Elderly citizens and recipients of welfare and medicaid were used as ramps to create an easy path for the handicapped to make a splash and a statement.

“We’re not blaming these people any more than the British were blaming tea,” said one angry protester.  “But we have to start somewhere and it just so happens that these folks are skinny enough to toss.”

Law enforcement officers used tear gas and fire hoses to disperse the crowd, many dressed in colonial attire. The mob reorganized at the Pearl Street Grille, however, and returned with Buffalo Teachers Federation President Phil Rumore tied to the hood of a car wearing a dunce cap.  He was deposited into the flaming harbor just as Buffalo Firefighters clocked out in order to avoid incurring any overtime.  Several people qualified for Low Income Mortgage Assistance and a percussionist from the Buffalo Philharmonic were tossed in as well.

Moments before things turned ugly

Gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino heaved Buffalo Teachers Federation President Phil Rumore over the railing.  “This guy doesn’t have to pay taxes on his pension, but for some reason I do?  What’s that about?”  Rumore defiantly raised his middle finger to the mob as he plummeted toward the fiery water.  “Stop the pay freeze!” screamed Rumore.

Mayor Brown issued a statement from his North Carolina riot bunker:  “It is with great disappointment that I witness, by cable news, the events transpiring at our beautiful waterfront.  I had hoped to announce the approval of an exciting new hotel experience called “This Is The Pitts!” a joint venture between our good friend James Pitts and hospitality giant Econo-Lodge.  Instead, I would like to warn all residents of the City of Buffalo and any looters from neighboring towns and suburbs:  Stay out of the downtown area until further notice.”

Event organizer James Ostrowski responded quickly.  “Once again, the mayor sees public opinion as the enemy rather than his responsibility.”

Brown issued another statement moments later:  “I would like to invite all residents of the Queen City, all neighboring towns and suburbs to come downtown to participate in the “Purging of Our Liabilities Festival” happening right now.  Public transportation will be free for the unemployed and anyone on public assistance.”

The crowd eventually broke up on its own, and the fire in the harbor had apparently burned out as of late this morning.

A Bass Pro official said the riot and ensuing deaths at the harbor could cause a “significant” delay in the opening of the proposed sporting goods supercenter.

By Hardy Astrom

Tens of thousands of Americans protested big government and taxes on the most significant tax day of the year, April 15th. The local ‘Tea Party’ was held in Niagara Square, and included speeches by local activists who say that government spending has gotten out of hand. Medicaid and social services were at the top of the list of agencies that tea party attendees say should be at the bottom of the list when it comes to taxpayer responsibility.

Artist's rendering of Tax Protesters

“Give me your tired, your crippled, your feeble minded,” shouted organizer Allen Coniglio. “Give me your old and infirm and give me your lazy. Then you can give me a boat, some kerosene and a long wick!  There are no free rides in New York State!”

Several people dressed in revolutionary garb and many carried signs that called for a major reform in how state and federal governments spend tax money.

Most protesters targeted those who are on some type of public assistance. A sign held by 7-year-old Eric Dinter read “Humanely Kill My Grandmother Please,” while Marcus Costello proudly carried a homemade billboard that warned handicapped recipients of public aid: “If You Can’t Walk, You’d Better Run!”

Jim Lennon, of Lovejoy, carried a hand scrawled sign that read “Qualified For No-Show Job.”

“This isn’t so much a protest as it is an application,” Lennon explained.  “I want me a piece of the pie and I don’t want to have to get a real job to get it.”  Lennon said his rationale is simple:  “Politicians have shown me the way.  They do it all the time.”

The event took a turn for the strange when Councilman Brian Davis arrived in a limousine and began throwing stones at an effigy of Byron Brown he placed in front of the crowd.

“Are you sick and tired of getting screwed by the man?” Davis asked, adding “Down with big government!”  The Ellicott District Common Councilman then started lobbing stones at the effigy, which more closely resembled a large, wrinkled, sausage in a suit, tie, and glasses.

Davis’ stones landed harmlessly at the feet of a baffled couple with their young daughter.

Davis digs up rocks prior to protest.

Davis then set up a card table and hung a sign which read ‘Stones: 25 cents.’ “Cast a stone and cast your vote!” he called out to an increasingly confused crowd. As speeches were made and attention was drawn to the podium, Davis began passing out flyers advertising Rent-To-Own picket signs and magic markers.

Demonstrators were aware that the event isn’t likely to bring about any immediate change, and some were disillusioned following the event. “I was thinking we’d be flipping over police cars,” said a disappointed Marc Constantino, “but they handed me a tea bag and started talking politics. This is gay.”

As the event began to break up, Mayor Brown arrived in an SUV, and was engaged by Davis when a rock sailed past his head and hit an aide. “Get him!” shouted Davis. “Twenty-five cents a pop! Get him!”

A confused Brown, seeing his effigy, asked, “Is that my suit?”  As Davis’ stones missed again and again, the Mayor called security to have him removed.

Organizers said they have no plans for another event like this one.