By Frank Brutus

Kenmore-Town of Tonawanda Superintendent Mark Mondanaro announced Tuesday he is returning “all four” Scandinavian teenage slaves that he is allowed per his administrator’s contract, hoping to salvage teacher contract talks that he said are now headed for impasse even as the money-troubled district proposes cuts in teachers, administrators and some classes.

“I’m not grandstanding,” said Mondanaro, whose annual salary is $178,600, shortly after teachers packed the audience during a board meeting. “It’s time to move forward, together, and get things done in this District without me needing the services of my Scandinavian teenage slaves.”

The board has proposed a wide range of cuts to deal with an anticipated $5.1 million cut in state aid.

Teacher contract talks, meanwhile, are not going well.

“I believe an impasse is imminent,” Mondanaro said, as he received a foot massage from one of his non-English speaking secretaries while another rubbed hot oil on his temples.

In a prepared statement read to teachers in the audience, Darissa Stinson, board president, said teachers are highly valued and that “any one who doesn’t think that’s true should apply for a job in Ken Ton because we’re looking for warm bodies to do whatever it is teachers do if they decide to go on strike.”

Stinson said teachers and the district need to understand that residents of the district, like people elsewhere in the nation, “would love to have slaves, too. So it’s kind of a big deal when the Superintendent returns his four. And we’re asking the teachers in return to consider volunteering their time next year as a way to meet us in the middle.”

The Superintendent noted that the District would save in excess of $100 million if the teachers agreed to a “one-time” contract amendment that had them volunteer instead of get paid in 2010-2011.

“We could build one hell of a community sports, entertainment and gaming complex with savings like that,” said Mondanaro in between bites of caviar and sips of champagne.