Mayor bravely confronts fiscal woes by indirectly firing people in intensive care.

By Hardy Astrom

Recently, Mayor Byron Brown notified H. McCarthy Gipson that he was fired from his appointment as Buffalo’s Police Chief. Gipson learned of his dismissal from a news report he watched while lying in intensive care in the hospital. The Ruse has since learned that the Mayor has a history of tactless communiqué.

How did you find out…

…that the mayor fired you as Fire Commissioner?
“I responded to what I thought was a 3 alarm blaze and arrived at an address where a barbershop quartet was performing. They sang a song titled, ‘I’m Puttin’ You Out Like Yo’ Ass Was On Fire’.”
–Michael Lombardo

…that the mayor had an affair?
“I was presented with a love child that looked exactly like Bonnie Russell.”
–Michelle Brown

…that you were being relieved of your responsibilities at One Sunset Restaurant?
“I was given the Key to the City and a severance package of $163,000. And a concubine.”
–Leonard Stokes

…that the Mayor wanted you to resign?
“He gazed at me over the candlelight and whispered, ‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’  Then he said, ‘But I wish you knew how to quit the Common Council even more.’”
–Brian Davis

…that you were in trouble for stealing the family vehicle and bouncing it off of a dozen cars?
“He said it was time I learned a valuable political lesson: ‘Sometimes, even though it don’t seem right, you have to tell the truth. Otherwise white people just will not shut up.’”
–Byron Brown III

…that you were to receive the Key to the City?
“He was in the bushes at my townhouse. I thought he tryin’ to get to my publicist Kita ‘cuz she hot as hell. Then he say that he wants to trade keys with me: Key to the City for the key to my place. Then Kita kicked his ass.”
–Terrell Owens

By Hardy Astrom

At the foot of the Albright Knox Art Gallery Byron Brown yesterday presented Terrell Owens with the key to the city. The last time such an honor was offered to a public figure was an ill-advised attempt to catch the .22 caliber killer. Although that ploy failed to capture a murderer, Brown hoped this offering would capture the heart of the Bills’ newest wide receiver.

T.O. gets key to City.

The Mayor used the appearance to tout some of the finer aspects of living in the Queen City.

“Welcome to the 996th greatest metro area in the country!” Brown exclaimed to the hundreds of people in attendance.

“It is with great pride that I welcome the NFL’s greatest receiver to our beautiful city, right here in front of this building behind me. And before I return to my spring think-tank in Raleigh, North Carolina,  I would like to present the key to Buffalo to Mr. Terrell Owens!”

Owens, smiling when he received the key, changed his tune when he read the note attached to the key’s ribbon.  “Is this a bill?” he was heard to ask.

Brown, covering the microphone, appeared first to explain and then plead with Owens. A source close to the Mayor’s staff reported that along with the key to the city, Brown gave Owens the delinquint property tax bill for every vacant house located within the City limits.

Owens appeared confused, amused, and then perturbed.  At one point he was heard to say, “Ain’t nothin’ but your regular. My man Golisano got out so now you gonna come after me?”

It was then that the Mayor began to offer tax breaks. “Mr. Owens, as a responsible citizen of the City of Buffalo, will pay his fair share of taxes, but will be eligible for tax breaks on waterfront property purchases of over $15 million. Mr. Owens can revitalize our sagging offense, and our devastated local economy.”

Owens, who has had a difficulty reigning in his emotions with many of the teams he has played for, seemed to weep before taking his turn at the microphone.  “I just want to say that…..I seen your city…..and your quarterback…and I…I just don’t know if I’m up for this.”

He laid the key on the podium and appeared ready to faint. Mayor Brown attempted to assist the wide receiver but was restrained by several members of Owens’ entourage. A small melee ensued and the Mayor ended up on the south side of a size-11 dress shoe worn by a man who would only himself by the name ‘Pepper.’

While Owens was escorted to a waiting limousine, a dusty Byron Brown led the remaining dozen onlookers through karaoke versions of ‘The Bills Make Me Want to Shout’ and ‘We’re Talkin’ Proud.’