By Frank Brutus

Disgraced former lawmaker and current heroic philanthropist Brian Davis purchased the decaying but prestigious Statler Hotel today, presenting Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown with a personal check made out to “Cash” for $100 million.

Proud new owner of the Statler.

The Mayor read a proclamation declaring every February 29th “Brian Davis Day” while the marching band from Emerson Vocational school played a rousing rendition of “Oh Happy Day” in front of the local landmark after David presented a post-dated check to the Mayor.

Davis, who was run out of office last year after pleading guilty to numerous felonies (later reduced to misdemeanors) involving forged financial instruments and misuse of public funds, says he has already lined up the “perfect” candidates to manage the rehabilitation of the historic building.

“Leonard Stokes has already accepted my offer to be a part of the team that restores the Statler to its former and deserved glory,” said Davis.  “I have already given him a 10-year advance salary and he will earn bonuses based on the size of the Sunday brunch crowd that makes reservations at the new restaurant that he plans to open inside the Statler this weekend.”

Stokes wasn’t able to attend the ceremony because, as Davis noted, he was busy loading dozens of U-Haul trucks with what was described as the “old” Statler catering equipment.  Davis noted that the proposed restaurant will be stocked with “lots of brand new stuff that we’re flying in from Thailand.”

Mayor Brown introduced to the assembled press corps each of the other “team members” who have agreed to be part of the rebirth of what will now be known as “The Brian Davis Statler Hotel.”

Delroy Jackson, a part-time bookie who lives on Fillmore Ave, will manage the coat-check service for hotel guests.

Steve Hopkins, a self-described “problem solver” who collects debts for Delroy Jackson, will oversee the valet parking operation.

Betty Jean Grant, currently a member of the Erie County Legislature, who is set to begin the tedious job of replacing all of the hotel’s water-damaged plaster with drywall on each and every one of the nineteen floors of the vaunted structure.  “I’m going to carry out the old plaster in garbage bags so we can save money by not renting a dumpster,” said a beaming Grant.

Grant estimates that the plaster removal will take “at least a month” to complete.